I think I won the penis lottery.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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