Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
