I love having hate sex.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
