dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
