Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
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I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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