did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Randomize
