Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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