you traded sex for a burrito?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
