I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Can vaginas get frostbite?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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