new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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