Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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