So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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