Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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