We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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