Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
