And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
