a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
