you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
