Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
