I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
