she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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