Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Also, beer. Big fan.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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