when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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