You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
