she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
