Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
