nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
