Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
