i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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