mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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