If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
