if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
