I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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