Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
