I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
