i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
