im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
