Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
