i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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