it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
