im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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