Who wears a wallet chain?!
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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