I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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