Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
