Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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