Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
