the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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