I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
