i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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