well I can't set my house on fire every night
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
