I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
