i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
