i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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