just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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