pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
