also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
