everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
