did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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