When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
