I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
