Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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